demisemiquav3r

so many things i want to say, all circling and racing around my mind, and i have no way to focus them into a way that might make sense. i'll just start from saturday and move ahead.

saturday josh and i went to the mall for some general trolling. i also busted the van and garage up a bit.

sunday was church, shopping with my dad, and then napping the rest of the day because i felt sick.

today started off with work. i was a little scared to go back, but excited all the same. turns out i'm too happy for the job. multiple times i was made fun of because of how much effort i put into helping customers. because obviously being a good worker is funny. really just set my day up perfectly. at least my drawer was perfect. after i got out of work i went to south park to meet up with dan and some of his friends. i was being stupid, but overall it was fun. it was really awesome playing guitar hero with everybody. i dunno. i really did have fun, but my lame mood made me be lame. i'm so awkward.

i feel like i'm imposing. (this again, yeah)

i find that i need to listen more. in music, in general. it's hard, though.

i wish i could remember better.

i deleted this paragraph. it was too much.

this one was kicked as well.

yeah, i'm in a weird mood. i really don't want to post this, but it's better than nothing. don't worry; it's okay. it always is in the end.

because live journaling is a much better idea than sleeping, right? bah. i just want to write down my dream, of course. this one is super short, and i'm thinking because i only got three hours of sleep last night. yay!

it starts off with me walking across some college campus. the whole world is colored some sort of a dark pale blue, which is kind of interesting haha. so i'm walking across the grass, and people yell at me for doing so, saying that my pants are gonna get muddy, but i ignore them. my plan is to get to this one hall. i finally get there, and have some sort of happenings there that i don't remember. it had to do with going inside and (yet again) down some stairs to talk to people, but then again i really just don't remember. i remember being a little stressed, but it ended up okay. i leave the building after whatever happened, and i finally look down at my pants. the bottoms are all muddied up, and i sort of am upset, but i just tell myself to ignore it and i go to my dad's car. my mom then drives us up to this kind of shifty parking lot, and parks around the top. my dad starts yelling at her, her name over and over, and then i wake up.

to him yelling at one of his peoples haha. patrick PATRICK! XDD i can't stop thinking of spongebob lately now. i woke up at 7.40, fun stuff! i couldn't sleep last night, so i was gonna let myself sleep in a little, too. oh well. i visited my grade school today! i got to talk to two of my old teachers (well, they're not old haha) and then got free lunch. yum! then went outing with my mom. wasn't too bad haha. then i went to the christmas concert! they were okay. unfortunately we sat right behind a speaker in which the mike was placed right in front of the sopranos, so i heard that, basically. but i know if i was just four rows closer i would've heard a better balance =] mixed choir was pretty good as well! i'm proud of them (also really sad that i'm not up there singing with them, but i can't really do anything about that ha!) theen josh and i went to denny's. w00t! then came home.

hm. i feel kind of bad that this journal does not do justice to the day. apologies.

i'm thinking i'll just take them as they come =] dreams are so crazy sometimes!

AAAAH I JUST CHECKED MY GRADES AND SOMEHOW I GOT ALL AAAAAA's YESSS (okay three of them are a minus's but shh) I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET A C IN THE ONE CLASS AND A B IN THE OTHER BUT NO I GOT AAAA'S YESSSSSS. i still need to work harder next term, i think a minus's aren't good enough =p okay now i write down my dream

it starts off with my dad taking me to his work place. for some reason, i read somewhere that offering a cat as a pet/present to the bossman will get you good points so i bring a white older kitten with me, and offer it to the guy. he looks at it kind of strangely, but accepts it in any case. so while my dad is working with his boss, i'm playing with the kitten. it's walking around and being very friendly, when i notice it's escaping through the door! (into another room) bossman says 'aaah don't let the cat go in there!' so i run through the door and down some stairs and try to get the cat when i find myself in an empty, shadowy bar. i have to crawl under some of the chairs to get to the cat, and then some techno music starts playing. i think i raved with the cat but i don't remember. (ha! part two of my dream doesn't really fit with the continuity, so i will write down part three, and then two separately.) after being at the rave, i'm hanging out with a group of friends (including josh, lindsay, and others that i don't see) and we go to bossman's house to hang out at his pool. his house is crazy excessive, but it's really nice inside. there's a 'jungle theme' room where the entire place is set up like that and everything. but in any case, my friends and i walk in, and go to the back when bossman's wife calls me over. supposedly she has heard that i'm a babysitter, because she wants me to watch her kid instead. i'm okay with this, because i don't really like swimming that much anyway. it turns out that her kid is actually a four month infant. she hands me the baby over really roughly (which surprises me, but i just take note of it and ignore it) and i hold the baby really carefully. for about ten minutes i just hold the child and watch it (i remember it being very soft, which is weird because i usually don't get texture in dreams) i walk back into the house because i want to get to the front door, when i'm going through the front door and i see bossman's son's wife hanging around and i want to say hi. i get over there okay, but the floor is REALLY slippery and i get really nervous while holding this baby, because i DO NOT want to drop the child. so trying to go back up the stairs is extremely worrisome. but bossman's son's wife holds my one hand while i hold the baby with the other up to my neck and i make it through the jungle room okay. (who has a jungle in their house without animals? seriously.) oddly enough, i go back outside through the back door, still holding the child up to my neck carefully. i remember carefully holding its head up, and just how soft it was. (that sounds really weird! ugh) bossman's son's wife calls to me from a door that's about two feet above level ground asks to see the baby, and i offer it to her, and she just grabs it by it's head and hauls the poor thing up. again, i am upset by this but just note how badly they treat the child and say nothing. when she gives it back to me, i go back inside the door i came out of, carefully pick through the jungle room, and go out the front door, where there is a picnic-like table. i set the baby down and play with it for a little bit. i then get into a car, and am driven across the street to a fast food restaurant parking lot, where i remember that i left the baby there (ugh! awful!) as i am walking back to the table, i think to myself that the baby will be okay because there are cases where babies can last two weeks in the sun (even worse! and not true at all, i would think.) then i wake up. (now for part two, which did not fit in the story line, and makes me confused as to why i had it then) i am in a play at my high school (not a play dream this time! haha) and after it is over, i am walking up the stairs arm in arm with one of the guys from the play. we go up stairs and then get to a point where we are on the third floor. but my high school does not have a third floor, and so i get extremely confused, and begin to question the validity of where i am. the guy just pulls me down the stairs back to the second floor, and takes me through the hallway to a different classroom. i see a bunch of people that i remember from the school, but they all have this very strange aura, and i try to stay away from them. then i walk up some more stairs where there is a barred door so that i cannot get through. i try to see if i can crawl under but there's only about four inches of space, so i contemplate climbing over and around, but i can't because i'm afraid of getting smushed from falling. so i back down, through the bad hallway, and up around again to get to that spot. i don't know why i wanted to go there, but it seemed important at the time. here the part ends, and moves on to part three. weird. also i just remembered that for some reason during either part two or three i was wearing my retainers. not very important whatever.

i'm going back to my work place to see if they'll let me work for three weeks, just as a little bit of pick up for the christmas rush. hopefully eric doesn't hate me and will let me. as much as i'm comfortable with everyone, i'm nervous to ask. i think i just don't want to hear that i'm not welcome back. ><

haha that made me lose some of my happy. oh well. i'll probably edit this post later with updates on work and stuff. i dunno.

EDIT// okaaay eric does not hate me and i am allowed to come back. also, he hugged me so tightly that it hurt. never had that happen before! haha

EDIT// deleted a bit and clarified something.

there's so much i could be doing, and yet i'm here writing out my dream again haha. i'm curious as to why they've been so frequent. oh well =)

it starts off with me watching a two horse buggy passing by. i really want to pet one of the horses, so the driver lets me take one. this guy's a 14-ish hand chestnut with a white stripe down his face. i'm absolutely thrilled when the driver says i can keep him, and so i run mount him (as there's no saddle) and take him around the building i'm in. but there's no room to actually run, so i sneakily take him outside. this might be a bad idea, i'm thinking, but i'm fairly good with horses and i'm sure i can control him. we're on the sidewalk (it's nighttime, snowing, on cobble road) and a big truck passes by, and my horses shies and starts balking. so i jump off and keep ahold of the reigns, and allow him to back into some crate that was left outside. once he's done panicking, i coax him out, and i jump back on and take him up the street. he seems a little more calm now because of me, but he's still not comfortable with being by the cars, so i task permission from this short (maybe midget) guy if i can ride my horse in this building that's close. he gives me this very strange look, and then opens the door for me. i take my horse in, and we ride a few laps, before i notice just how shifty the place is. i find out that somehow i accidentally joined the cult of zula (i don't know, my mind thinks of the stupidest names) and my horse is taken away. time passes. i then find myself stuck in the cult (which actually has may similarities to certain feminine cults) and unable to find a way out. the higher ups know that i have a tendency to resist the 'way,' and i see them bringing out my horse on a slat of metal, covered by some sort of a heavy plastic sheet. i can only see his hooves, but i know he's dead. they killed my horse as incentive for me to become complacent. i become really upset and attempt to escape, but that midget guy finds me and i pretend that i'm getting a drink of water so that he doesn't get me. i don't know why, but that guy really frightened me. in any case, i'm taken to the back of a stock room and set at a computer, where i'm to take some test to make sure that i'm keeping up with the intelligence level they want. [firefox just crashed haha] i look at the test, and there's tons of tests for reading, maths, cognitive ability, etc. there's at least nine or ten of them, i remember. and they've all got different point values, with two of them being for a hundred, and the rest from sixty to eighty. i'm panicking because i don't want to do poorly and get punished (again? i don't know why i would be afraid unless i had been recently tortured, etc. by these people before). there are four levels of achievement, and i pick the second one. it then states something to the sort of 'complete test at level 2 percent' or something like that, and i get upset because i know i can do the top level, but i don't want to fail and then be caught. (the deal is you have to know what you're going to get, and if you complete the test with a different outcome than what you predicted, you get caught.) i start the test, and right away the first question is multiple choice. it's some sort of analogy, but the answers they give do not match up, and there is basically no solution. i get even more agitated because i know the answers are wrong, but i don't want to do badly, so i finally try really hard and escape. i end up at the stables that i used to ride at, and i pick up this heavy piece of metal and drag it behind me as i look for my horse, even though i know he's dead. the whole time i'm in the stable is just really sad and depressive. i peek into one of the smaller stalls, and the pony looks up at me, but then just looks away. then i wake up.

i'm really disappointed in myself. for making bad choices, for not doing certain things, for making people worry. like what was up with last night? i think about it now, and i had absolutely no reason to. so why? obviously it was dangerous, but at the time i felt like nothing could go wrong. my stupid self was lucky. it could have gone wrong. i just keep asking why i did that? ugh. stupid. i don't want to feel that again. i feel like i've lost a bit of control. i don't know, i'm not making much sense, and i don't want to say too much. but i know i need a redirection of priorities. i take too much for granted and don't appreciate what i have. ugh. just have to keep smiling, and it will all be okay.

it's a surprise that there's so many lately! not that it's a bad thing, because i love having them haha. unfortunately i only remember the second one, because i woke up for two hours and went back to sleep, effectively erasing the first one! lawl

the beginning had to do with josh and i, though i don't remember much. just some talking, but i don't really know. then i am standing under a shower in a community shower room with all my clothes on. i'm in a sort of secluded one, which is through a door in the corner rather than with everyone else's. i look into the room and i see two girls, clothed as well, sharing a shower and making jokes about something (at one point i remembered but i don't know; it wasn't important.) they leave, and i go and turn of their shower. i turn two more valves on, and turn the corner to see that the showers are horizontal and vertical. i question it, but let it go anyway, and leave the room. i enter a lounge-ish room, where everyone is getting ready for practice. turns out i've been signed up for a basketball team. i immediately think of ways to get out of it, but then i just decide that i'll deal with it and i walk over to the court with everyone else for layup practice. i notice that the while the court is set up correctly, the entire place is divided in half, going from hoop to hoop by a wall. i am curious as to why it is as it is, but i ignore it and turn around to talk to someone. here i notice that i'm not wearing the correct clothes, while everyone else has shorts and t shirts, and i'm wearing jeans and some sort of fancy-ish shirt. i really contemplate just quitting right there, but i decide that that'd be rude to the coach and the team, so i walk up to the court. then i am 'woken up' by a text, which i can only comprehend the first sentence because i am so tired. i turn over and see diagrams on my wall, which accompany the text, showing that everything'll be okay. i point to something on the wall, and then actually wake up.

also, i am in love with this song. it's electronica alternative, is the only way to describe it. i've had it on repeat for half an hour haha! i think i should turn it off so i don't get sick of it haha

i'm finally making a new driving cd! it's been quite some time, and as much as i love the two cds i have, they're a little scratched =D new material never hurts, right? the only problem is that i want the songs on this cd to be great and the order has to really make sense.. they don't have to tell a story, per se, but i want it to at least have some flow! i think what i've now is good, but i'll have to test it out a bit and see =D

..i'm a little upset right now. i'm trying to help my friend, as i have been, except now she's being stubborn and snaps at me when i try to understand how she's feeling. i can't let this get to me, but it hurts a little. i guess i NEED to accept this, as i am sometimes the same way when i get really upset: i hurt those around me without thinking of it. i need to take the bad stuff that comes with dealing with her problems, it's normal, i guess. but i don't really know how to react. ugh.

on a much happier note, dan and i went to the mall! we got to play guitar hero (which i haven't played in forever and wasn't very good haha!) and the one song we played lasted five hours. seriously! XDD and dan played some racing game; it was so funny how the game kept trying to steer for him, so he basically fishtailed the entire course! then we meandered around, looking for pet stores XD satanicland seems to be doing well during the christmas season.. i want to buy all of the animals and save them from those disgusting cages, but i haven't enough money, space, or time to give them adequate, happy livings =( anway, then dan trolled for free food, and we meandered to the book store where EVERYTHING IS ON SALE. i want to go back when i have monies for presents. the whole time was good fun =) and supposedly we're going to enter a guitar hero contest? i need to practice more.. haha

i have 6 minutes on the cd i want to fill, but i can't think of anymore good songs! arrgh i will figure it out.

hmm. i guess that upset me more than i thought it would. oh well. hopefully all will smooth out. -_- i'm feeling a tiny bit better (maybe), so i guess it will be okay.

aaaargh! i hate being like this. at one point, i knew who i was. i had a drive and a reason. now i don't know what i have. okay, i'm done now. later~\

EDIT// i knew i was forgetting something! just this: 'you have a tumor.' XDDD

but first, a quick retelling of my dream.

the first part was me at a very deep, empty lake. i am at one end, and a guy is at the other. people are yelling at him to be careful and not fall, etc, because the hole is really deep. but he jumps and does fancy spins and stuff right to the bottom, where he sticks the landing. i know he's fine, and yet i check to make sure that he's okay. he looks up and smiles, and then the dream moves on. (so random, and yet it felt really important then haha) the middle-ish part was me trying to complete a project for some class. the point was to do some sort of play to explain something to the class, but i don't remember. at one point i was working with a group of my friends (who were all indistinguishable) but they weren't actually working and i got really frustrated and left. after a while of stressing out because i couldn't find a good way, i finally just decided on a plan, and attempted to gather materials for it. at this point i wake up (for real) and cannot get myself to calm down because i think that i have this project due thursday. a few times i go back to sleep and re-enter the dream, but i keep waking up thinking that i have to start this project. i finally persuade myself that i, in fact, no longer have homework, because it is break, and enter part three when i fall back asleep. this part, which i unfortunately do not remember much of the beginning, had to do with me waking up in a bottom bunk, and freaking out because i slept through gospels. but instead of going to class i just go to a christmas party celebrating the fact that i finished my homework. then i wake up.

...i've tried three times and i just can't get myself to write down how i feel because doing so would make me feel even more worthless and selfish then i already do. woot. sleep time now, because i've a fantastic headache.

okay. i take my brother to his girlfriend's house, and then i will write out my dream.

[this space indicates the time that passes while i drive my brother]

back yaaay. this dream starts off with a little bit of a back story. i'm stuck in this castle place and i live at the top and my husband lives at the bottom. i'm pregnant and the witch lady from sleeping beauty is keeping me at the top and expects to take my baby when it's born (i dunno why.) my husband is an idiot and doesn't question anything. maybe he is related to the witch lady? oh well. so i am at the top, and i decide i'm going to try and escape. this ensues with me (once again, just like in the last dream) absolutely tearing down many, many staircases. about five flights down, i hear the witch following me, which only makes me become more frightened and start skipping stairs. somehow (these staircases, by the way, are very fancy, with really nice wooden railings and red carpeted stairs. at the last few flights they are the same, except without the carpeting.) i can see that she is catching up to me, and so i finally get to the bottom (which is like 45 flights, i think) and i see my husband. i run up to him and kiss him, and he welcomes me back confusedly while i kiss him, and then kisses me back. (he said something like 'hey, i missed you too?' he is ignorant! haha) i then hug him, and stare at the witch, who finally caught up to me. she is angry that i escaped, but won't do anything while i'm with my husband (who, by the way, is not a parallel to anyone in real life) she then insists that i go back upstairs, and i grudgingly agree, because she could kill me. she guides me up the stairs, one flight at a time. i don't get tired, but it's very frustrating that she doesn't trust me enough to go back by myself. but i listen anyway, and ignore her smirk as i walk back up the stairs to the top. at this point, about three months has passed, and now i'm just at the point where i might be showing a little. the witch has put the people who live at the bottom of the castle and i to work at this pool. our job is to take anything that is gold or fancy and let it sink into the deep end of the pool that we are sitting in (there is a inset for us to sit on). this goes on for a little bit, putting gold forks, jewelry, and other articles that might be considered nice into the pool, until i look to my right and i see a cabinet. i open a bottle in it up, and there's some alcoholic drink. that is put back. i find an uncorked wine bottle, and for some reason i dip it into the pool and let it fall. the entire area where the stuff is becomes cloudyish and i yell for everyone to get out of the pool so that no one gets touched by it. the witch then comes by, and makes me leave, saying it's too dangerous for her child. for some reason this doesn't bother me. i walk around one of the middle floors with her, which is the kitchen area. i have to dodge all of the people, but at least we get to the end of the hallway (i am thinking this is a spirited away reference) then i wake up.

it's funny that i had a memorable dream, because right before i finally went to bed (not sleep, mind you haha) i was like 'i wish i had a good dream, i haven't had one in a while!' so yay. i'm home from college, and it's not as bad as i thought it would be. i feel awful about it, but i just want to be left alone from certain people, but that's inevitable and i need to be less selfish and rude. i just can't help it. oh well.

i had a rant that i was gonna lay out, but i kinda just don't feel like it right now =/ maybe later!

finals were fun. just as much fun as getting six cavities filled! (about that lawl) yep. lotsa headaches lately. lame! XD

hopefully over break i will be able to be cool and finally get everything done that i wanted to. the list is getting waaaaay to long haha! but of course i'm not going to get anything done, i'll just sleep the whole time. HA!

i don't feel like posting anything else. just an update ha!

and i thought why the heck not? who cares if it's 5 in the morning? that's life. XDD

first things first. these girls in the next room over need to stop being loud during nocturnal cycles. i don't care if they go to bed at 5am. heck, i don't care if they don't go to bed at all. i would just wish that they could do so a little bit more quietly, without breaking into explosive laughter fits after every sentence. other then that, i don't mind! i mean, i rarely go to bed before 2. it's just the cycle that i'm on right now. but at least i do it quietly. and if i would happen to wake my room mate up, i would apologize and stop looking at it, or something. just stop being so loud! though, i'm really not trying to sleep, so i have little to complain about. i dunno. really, i've nothing to complain about! ...but once i do try to go to sleep, i will complain. a lot. it will be fun =]

i made a list of things to remember! yaaaaay list XDD though i will add the dream i had last night as well, because it was just wonky. and i think the girls finally fell asleep. they're really nice when they're not being loud when i want quiet XDD

about the dream. there are two parts to this dream, and the second part has three parts. this'll be fun.

part one is a play dream (like usual, these follow me everywhere!) where we're doing some sort of medieval play, not at all like once upon a mattress, and i actually like it. i've got a supporting role again, but i don't mind because, again, i like the play. during practice, we do a great job going through the scenes, and blocking everything. one part includes me being behind a folded curtain so that i can slink around with a cake to offer to the main lead (random but it happens) but surprise surprise, we're told that tonight's practice is actually our second to last rehearsal before thursday (opening) night. so we're flipping out, because we haven't learned ANYTHING. just lines, and basic stage movements. but we try anyway. right in the beginning, the lead role forgets part of the line, and we stand up there awkwardly doing nothing. i race through my memory to remember the script, and i know it's not my line, but i can't exactly remember what happens next. so one of my friends and i tell our audience (who is just watching the practice so we get used to it) in character that we're gonna be back in a few minutes. we then rush to my script, off left stage, and scour the pages. presley comes up and is all WTF YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE. we explain to her that we know nothing for the play, not enough time, etc. but she still blames us. she then gives a cast announcement that only people who were smart enough to stay on stage get to be in the play. we complain, but whatever. the last thing i remember seeing before i leave the gym (at our school, our gym was also the auditorium) was a friend's ex riding a horse behind the curtain singing the main theme of the play very prettily. i was happy that she bagged the role. concerning part two of the dream, i've already had some parts of it. for some reason, i re-dreamed this out of order, but it doesn't really matter. other than the fact that i thought this out in my dream, it's not too strange haha. part one of two, which in chronological order is part two of three, has to do with the main character (a boy, who resembles roy mustang as he gets older) in college, walking into a movie theater with some friends to watch a movie. they have trouble finding seats, because it's dark, but finally get to sit down. afterward they leave and complain as they leave. part two of two, which is actually part three of three, has to do with older roy mustang man being chased by some bad people. they send out an anteater creature being ridden by a freak monster (related to wargs and orcs?). while he is not seen, he hides out by some cars, keeping sure that he does not get caught. but once the guy finds him, roy mustang man freaks out and there is an intense chase around the parking lot (think of a serious action movie that makes it seem like life and death). at first, he tries the 'run fast and then slow down so they pass you' technique, and it works once. then the monster's like 'you can't outrun his teeth!' and suddenly the anteater has a very long platypus bill, and scrapes it across the ground at blinding speeds to catch the guy. he barely avoids the one swipe, and then decides that the best place to be is in the trunk of the car which is attached to the anteater's back for storage. he jumps in, and then talks to himself while squeezing his body into the tight space, such as 'arms in, arms in, it's okay, push down, don't worry' etc. (i'm most likely sure that i was talking in my sleep at this point, for some reason) once the trunk closes, he begins to simply think about happy things, and the anteater is writhing in agony. it dies, and the dream shifts to part one of three. there was something about a car ride, but i really can't remember that to well. something about a road trip and getting lost, and then refinding where the hell people are, and then checking out sweet dorms. but then roy mustang child is like 'wow this dorm is really cool! i'm gonna go outside!' so while he's outside, he feels a strange presence around him, and then he knows he's being chased. (i hate the feeling of being chased in a life/death situation). but he's freaked out. so he begins tearing through the city, trying to find a good hiding spot. while in a hotel like area, he finally finds a bed, and rolls under it, thinking that he'll be safe. but his phone rings. (it is the same as mine) turns out there's a blood stain right where he puts his thumb to unlock the phone, in the same pattern as he thumbs it. he then chucks the phone in shock, and even though i didn't see the picture, it was extremely disturbing, and roy mustang kid finally cracks. his caretaker finds him under the bed, and finds him LICKING a lizard's belly, which has been cut in a V shape from the throat down. being understanding, the guy doesn't freak out. roy child offers him the lizard, being too insane to understand just what he's doing. the caretaker accepts it, and then takes a bite out of the lizard after roy child has clambered out of under the bed. he sees the guy eating the lizard, has a freak out memory revival, and then i wake up. what the heck?!

i lied, i'm gonna post the list tomorrow, if i have time. so lazy! at least i'm writing everything down so that i remember to write about it! XDD i'm so busy and then i'm not! it's zombie tag's fault!

i bet i have awesome dark circles under my eyes, that's what happens when i only sleep one and a half hours! but lawl it was okay, because i finally picked my essay topic! i chose the first one, just because it didn't limit me to only three pieces of literature. that means i can quote many things and hopefully pump out some extra pages! i think i'll do okay, but who knows! haha

lots but not lots except yes lots of homework due. ughh two whole sections of math due why?!

it's way too early. and i'm not one to complain about being tired (except when i'm doing it to be obnoxious, that does't count). it was so cold this morning when i woke up, that i couldn't even fall back asleep! so i just took a shower (shower in the morning whaat?) and am now waiting for it to be 7.40 for me to leave for class. i feel bad that i woke up kim, so i'm not gonna dry my hair. ugggh i just wanna sleep. oh well haha!

one thing i've really noticed at college is that my intelligence stance fluctuates all the time. at one point, i'll be like 'omg i feel superior to youzz' and then at other times i feel like the bottom rung. it's not that i don't not like it, as the experience is humbling at points, but it's crazy how different people can get such strange reactions from me. it's not like i want to be so haughty, or that i want to feel belittled. it just happens . such is the life, i guess!

also, i can't stand people who insist that they're better than everyone else. these people and they're smarty pants show off attitudes can leave. because i'm not very impressed when i need help and they just flaunt their way around without actually helping =|

today, while i was writing my paraphrased paragraph (lawl!) i had a fun dyslexic moment. the words just started spreading across the page. it was the weirdest thing, i had to not read for a little bit. what a strange way to tell someone to take a break!

it's still cold. i want a blanket or something. class soon!

so yesterday night i did that lovely thing again. turns out if you chug a bottle and a half of water with in each other quickly, it doesn't hurt at all. and the reflex is more sensitive. yay

choir was much better tonight; the more i learn my music, the better it is. i just hope that i learn it enough to be as good as the other three.. they smoke me they're so good!

so much homework! ugggh haha. but then again, most of it is studying. it's hard to do this, stay antisocial until it's over, and keep quite about it. SFJSAFKASD i just wanna have fun.. and not stress about homeworks.. i mean the issue is i can't start my essay until i pick a topic, and i like both. gasp. xD and i don't want to study comm disorders, or read the gospel of mark... pooof! oh well. and i can't start math until i understand what the heck is going on... stress stress stress! what do i do?! ugggh oh well.

it started off with me waking up around 10.25, then 12.00 haha weird. i had a dream about melissa, and she just wasn't happy. i thought i saw her, through her updating a story on her fanfiction account (which she doesn't have) so i went on a chase to find her, or signs that she was alive. it sucks because at that point, i merged my dream with reality, and thought it was real. i searched for EVER dream time, and was freaking out all over.  when i finally got to her i hugged her, and she just looked at me really sadly. suck. the second dream was of me at a pet store, where i wanted to buy 8 doves. they were really expensive, but i had enough money to buy them, and a cage. the person who worked there told me that i'd have to purchase some special hay for them to sit in. so sure, yeah, i would scrounge up some change. i dropped my purse in an adjacent cart, and put my stuff down. i then decided that i did not want the doves, and so i put them away, and my purse was missing! so i'm searching all over the store, in the back, with people who work there and are my friends, but nothing! when i woke up, the first thing i thought was 'my purse's right there, so it's okay.' then i remember part 1 wasn't real either... sigh


the other fun part of today was me cantering at mass LAWL i messed up the words and my voice cracked because i was nervous and sick. WHY MEEE?! haha it's okay, though, because the lamb of God song went WONDERFUL. gosh, i love that song. i hope i get to canter again one day.

also, there is a non-sparkly vampire in our basement who listens to music with his headphones while going to night time conventions. yay!

jetstorm and jetfire came in today. well, my dad got them before, but i have them now =DD they're hard to transform, my mom's like THE BOX SEZ 5 AND UP WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT?! she doesn't understand that i don't want to break themm haha

the strangest thing happened today and yesterday.. i've never before felt such a pulling call from inanimate objects.. the first was from the vending machine I SWEAR. i was just looking at it, and the next thing i know, i feel a strange pull, and i REALLY want food from it. ridiculous! XDD like, i could have stared at that machine for HOURS, but lucky i had to study for my test. it was scary! and the second one was home sickness awww. i was just like.. i really wanna go home. not just because my toys are in, but because i miss everybody! haha we went to sonic, my sandwich was quickly made and delicious yum! XD

okay, i remember the main themes of my two dreams, from last night and the night before. the first one was a perverted version of my 'most want to live' place, which is greensburg, pennsylvania. the whole place was just dark, and urbany like, only without tall buildings. the ground's really gross, with muddy sand and gravely stuff. it's just really disgusting. i'm trying to get from the bottom of the city to the top, but it's disgusting. ugh. not at all the type of city i like

the second dream was about me going into an underground mall for something. i haven't the slightest remembrance on why i did, but at the bottom floor, there was a statue with mary hiding behind Jesus, or something like that. just really strange. it was long and didn't have much of a plot, so i didn't try to remember it.

today, my friends and i played frizbee! i'm actually not terrible like i thought i was, huzzah! then we walked to coe lake and had a fun time making up songs to sing in three part. and we took some pictures. and i chased ducks and practiced my crappy parquor ha! XDD

also, my friend brought apples the cat into our dorm. i love that kitty! he's orange and pretty, and such a lap cat! i held him for a while and then let him out. i can't wait until next time i see him!

okay, now i will watch transformers until i get tired.

figure it out silly XD but yeah, thank everything for the weekend! i'm just exhausted because of so much stuff that's been going on! right now i'm sitting next to beckyyy in the lounge, doing not much haha

i want to talk about something fun that has happened, but really it's been just homework wise busy! i was apart of my first vlog today, crazy stuff! and jetstorm and jetfire came in yesterday, so i'm gonna stop home and pick up my children haha. LOOOVE. UGHHH i'm just really tired! XDD

i got a skype... it scares me a little! haha

i am very of the tired, so i'm going to bed. woosh maybe i'll read a little bit? i dunno! haha

headaaaache -_-

i'm in class right NOW! XD it's nice that i can type out full sentences rather than write choppy ones, and it's really cold.. what was so amazing for yesterday? other than the fact that it was 9.9.09, i got to see 9, try to give blood, and get out of psych class early! because that test'll be easy, right? *eyeroll* haha it's really chilly! i wish the air wasn't on... but at least it keeps me awake! bah XD

this teacher is too freaking happy. beans to those who think it's funny to make fun of their own audience for not being super excited about their class at 8 in the morning. the jokes aren't funny, and i'm not laughing. =| 'oh, i like the use of your clause.' that one was funny, because of the pun lawl

so yes, yesterday i attempted to give blood. (i've told this story so many times, uugh! haha) i was really nervous, but i wanted to. in the booth, i answered the questions so quickly, because the line was taking forever, and i didn't want to hold anyone up! my iron was really good, at 13.5 or around the sort. i get to the blood taking bed thing, and it wasn't so bad. the nurse was really nice, and i explained to her that the last time i got fainty around the end XD turns out this time, the needle went in, and i got nauseous almost immediately XDD nice. but anyway, the sad part was that my blood wouldn't flow. it was really slow, and then just stopped. wtf so they just let me go. of course i still got dizzy and had to sit for a while. but i was still upset, because i really wanted to give blood. BAH.

9 was an amazing movie. the plot was a cool 'robots take over,' except that once the people were all dead, the last guy made little stichpunks to protect the future! i was pissed that 2, 5, and 6 died. i didn't care too much about 1 or 8, so they were allowed to die XDD and there was only one point when i was like, 'wow the art looks funny,' and it was 1 so again i don't care XD 3 and 4 were adorable, i hope they're boys =P 5 and 7 should be an item, and 6 is just cool. 2 is so fun! ack i'm gonna start my own fanfic where it's just 2 through 7, because they're my favorite XDD 9 IS A GARY STU wtf i hate him XDD but the movie was amazing. i really liked how they healed each other, through sewing, etc. just such a novel idea, i loved it! i would give it a YES out of 10.

i read an transformers mpreg, just to see what sick things people could do. WTF it was weird. never again, my eyes are scarred. ><

haha i guess i'll get back to paying attention to class! lawl

it's been busy, that's for sure! the biggest thing was me getting my presentation of pronouns done, and i think i did fairly well on that. now just more papers and studying and blearrrgh! XDD i had a few interesting dreams hmm

the first dream has to do with horses again, yay! it's really simple but i do't care XD so in the beginning i'm at this stable, and i want to ride one of the horses. so naturally, i'm not scheduled in, so i just grab one of the horses (who looks a lot like duke) and go out for a trail ride. and then the fun begins. this horse cannot be duke, because it's being a total butt and won't listen at all. because i'm only riding with a bridle, he thinks he can get away with all the stuff he wants. the whole dream (which spanned about a half hour) was me dealing with his antics, and not falling off. duke wouldn't have done that. not at all! so then i put him away, and marty's like 'oh hi thanks' XDD it was very strange. at one point, there was a saddle, but i was like 'no, i didn't start off this way' and then the saddle was gone. thank goodness my subconscious likes continuity.

the second dream, a few days after, was about a group of students and i in a double court gym. the leader people on the stage were having us do different physical activities, and the one i remember was catching a ball from over the net, and then jumping over the crouching person behind in line, and then rolling under the next person's legs. strange, because it doesn't work XD so when it was my turn, i did some strange half turn thing, which looked ridiculous, but i passed. then they wanted us to get into two lines, and i saw something fishy happening. next thing i know, they're lobbing out water balloons filled with RUM to play balloon toss with. they start chucking them out at the audience, so i start protecting them. then i had a little thinking span about how i like to protect people, etc etc. lame XD but yes. what the heck?!

when i went home for the weekend, i was reminded just how much i miss my cats. they were super friendly, and followed me everywhere. and what's the last thing i do for them before i leave? i chop their front claws up. oh i'm a bad owner.. i can't help that i was late ;_; AND i slept with a blanket as a pillow.. how awkward.

i'm still homeworking, so yes. HAPPY RYAN?!

yeah i forgot to update again, but that's okay! it happens, i'm in college now and am super busy aaaaall the time with my awesome friends. (yes josh, friends) i just went to the library, so i've got lots of books and dvds to watch, also with my homework level... i don't think it'll ever get done! haha that'll be sweet XD

i'm super tired UGH. XD aren't i always? but still, today's been awesome. i bonded with another friend, watched the first transformers YESSS and then had a fun walk home from north campus to my dorm. that takes forever! and we got perved on again FASDFASDC i hate guys that get drunk and all friendly with girls. i think that's the one thing i really hate about college right now. gross.

becky and i recorded a song! we were playing around with chords for piano/guitar, so she played her song and i transcribed it. ugh the refrain chords were painful at first, i feel bad for having her play it over and over and over! but it was so much fun, and i helped with a few of the lyrics. good times! =P

my printer/scanner FINALLY works. it took lots of restarting, a new cord, and lots of patience, but i can finally do everything i need to with it! i just have to figure out how to get rid of the 'copy' printer, and it'll be all good.

still really tired... it's taking me forever to get to my homework and my devart messages, i feel sort of bad. but not really XDD psssht who does homework anyway? seriously. though i like my communications disorders project about dislexia, because i have it LAWL. >.> *heaaddesk*zzzzz

also, today i went out for a walk with jake. he's a cool guy, so i had lots of fun while we walked the five hundred mile trek to panera, where i get a ten percent student discount YES! xD but.. while we were going home, he let me walk home by myself at the last stretch... i wasn't exactly thrilled, but i made it home. i just wish i had someone with me, was all.... if anyone really knows me, they would know that i don't like being by myself, even more so at night... oh well

what's really funny? the toilets on our floor each have a different fluuush speed, from (in order from walking in to the wall) REALLY FAST WOOSH, kind of okay, and the one where you have to hold the flusher button down, or it doesn't flush. WTF is wrong with this situation? haha

i'm so glad i have becky as a friend, she's amazing and i don't have to worry about being someone else around her.. makes me so happy...

sleep time! ima be really busy tomorrow ewwww XD

today i learned what stomach acid smells like. it's rancid, it's gross, it's nasty. and i never want to smell it again. it's so gross, i could puke. oh, wait.

bah. i'll go for a run, maybe that'll make me feel a little better.

it still smells. perfume time!

i'm just really tired and cranky because my stupid printer doesn't want to share any of the ink. lame. XD yup early classes tomorrow, it's gonna be super busy! uuugh XDD

one interesting dream, though very disjointed and confused because i woke up at the wrong time... i was with three other friends (in a urban/steel yardish feel) where we were avoiding the bad people in a store, because they would make us work in an animal fight (or of the sort) my one friend, who was hispanic, and i began to puke up our food so that the bad person couldn't smell our food. here's the awesome part. i wake up SPITTING ON MY PILLOW. wtf so gross. and it a lot of spit, too. i'm really disgusted by it, i hope it doesn't happen again XD

i'm really happy with my friends, they're so crazy and fun! one guy was all OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?! just because i play zelda and like tenacious d. i love everyone.

also, becky and i had a mini-jam session, because i don't know many chords on piano. but it was AWESOME and i loved it.

sleep time now, i hope i wake up uuugh

haha everything's been good! i've moved in and gotten used to dorm life (boooring! XD) so i finally got some time to check in! XDD huzzah

here's been super fun, i love all of my friends, and i'm having a blast! nothing really interesting has happened, except for retreat (lots of heat and classes with canoeing and archery in between), sex signals (WTF) and the hypnotism (which was AWESOMESAUCE ) UGH i love it here XDD can't wait to pet a squirrel and classes to start! yayaaay i've got inflatables and ice cream and stuff to look foreward to, so huzzah!

also, random facebook groups are amazing